I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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