your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
