If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
