You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
