i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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