how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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