I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
