So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
