Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
