u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
