ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i came on her dog
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I lost the right to judge tonight
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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