I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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