i already hear my dad disowning me
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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