U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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