Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
