I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize