I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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