nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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