I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
This house was built for laser tag.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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