now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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