Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize