in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
