Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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