Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
