You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
