some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize