you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
