I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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