so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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