He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
