you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
