yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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