He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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