'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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