RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
