Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
