dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
