woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
