I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
