I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
