dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
