I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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