I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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