u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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