You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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