Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
