Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
