I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
