my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
