Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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