The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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