He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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