pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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