i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
