Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
