guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
