Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
