You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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