I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
