bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
