I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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