I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
