2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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