By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
