i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
