the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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