I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
