he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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