Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
