Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
